First, I want to give a big shout-out and “namaste”, to all the men in my life from highschool to present who taught me a very huge lesson. And, what you all have in common is you taught me to never try an come between a man and his fear. It’s been a hard lesson to absorb, and understand, but, I’ve got it now. I gotten it so well, that recently, when it was introduced to me again in it’s seed form from a new prospect, I recognized it, and made a decision to walk away before the fight began. Perhaps if you weren’t all so deceivingly pretty, or, you didn’t pretend that you truly are who you present yourselves to be–which wouldn’t be so much of a problem if you actually were in the process of becoming that guy. –But, the truth is…it’s a lot easier just to hold onto the fears of what it would cost you to become who you are in your wildest dreams.
I’m annoying, I’m infuriating, I’m abnormally observant, and add intuitive to that, and I’m almost too much for a man to bare. Any of my ex-boyfriends (the ones who will admit they were, and those who won’t ), or my ex-husband, will tell you, I don’t miss anything, I see things they wish I wouldn’t. And, I have this innate ability to say exactly what’s on my mind. All that being said, I’m also exactly who I claim to be, all the time, everyday, and my intent is to always to become better, more. I’m an overachiever in this manner. I believe life is a journey that has endless possiblities and that love and happiness will never be in short supply. But, I am not naieve about what it will cost me to be who I am, as, I’ve already had to give up a lot to be me. So, what was the price I paid to be who I am? Why, the same as all my counterparts: FEAR.
Releasing the fear of being hurt was a problem for me, until my darling ex-husband helped me to understand that it would also cost me the highest potential of my marriage. Trust isn’t negotiable, faith, isn’t negotiable, emotional commitment and intimacy isn’t negotiable in love. It actually isn’t negotiable in life at all, but, I’ll keep it in the microcosm of relationships. All of the men, I’ve known have been quite afraid of their secret being found out, and the secret has always been the same as far as I can tell. And, that is: “If you truly knew me, you wouldn’t like me, because I don’t even like myself.” –Just so you know fellas… I did know you, I truly liked all of you…actually, loved all of you, but, I couldn’t compete with your own self-hatred. Vlad…yout taught me that lesson more than any… Namaste.
My male friends have explained to me over the years, how hard I make it for my counterparts, but, the truth is…I’m just being myself. I gave up the idea that if I was to love, I wasn’t going to get hurt. I am, we do, and we will. I gave up the idea that I need to protect myself from getting hurt–there’s no growth without pain. I gave up the idea that life is simple and relationships can be too. I mean really, we’re complicated as individuals, a relationship is comprised of at least two individuals, how the hell can it that ever be simple?! I gave up the idea that a relationship requires no work. Hello…that’s a big one. I want to clear this up for anyone who’s confused. A relationship doesn’t require you to work on the other PERSON, but, YOURSELF. A lot of people try an control the other person in the relationship, so they can avoid dealing with their own demons… And, then, they wonder why the relationship ends??? Um, people don’t like being told what to do, manipulated, or feeling suffocated all in the name of “love.” I learned the hard way, a truly loving partner doesn’t ask you to disrepsect, demean, or hurt yourself, in order to be with them. On the contrary, they want to you to love yourself more than them, because love means we want the best for eachother…speaking of that, another “namaste” to all those exes who loved me enough to leave me. I may not have understood it then, but, I get it now. I would only say, I wish you had loved yourselves enough to stay.
So, this is where this healer, enlighted soul, gorgeous goddess is in her life. She’s surrounded by love from those who allow themselves to cling to their fears. I’m sure it’s not just men… I’ve seen quite a few women with the same affliction of fear, and I’ve watched them also destroy opportunities at real love, a real relationship with both themselves and another. I understand the logic of a need to be safe, but, given love is the strongest force in the universe, I choose to suffer a few scratches, brusies, scars, and even more wounds…just to continue to allow myself to love and be loved. Fear has never made for a great bedfellow, friend, or ally.
Love Peace Happiness N One,